Insane Awards

Not too long ago, I visited my daughter and grandsons. In the grand scheme of things, I ended up sleeping in my youngest grandson’s room. Of course, being the nosey Ga’maw that I am, I took in many of my grandson’s accoutrements: the items on his shelves, the clothes on the floor, and various items hung up on the walls. One of the things affixed to his wall was a certificate applauding him for “[his] concern for the environment.” Now, on the face of it, this is a laudable things – aren’t we all “concerned for [our] environment? Of course we are. We recycle, we watch how we dump trash. We try not to pollute. All fine and dandy stuff…

Than why did I have to read the certificate several times? Why did I eventually give up on trying to understand what it actually meant?

Here’s why: It was gibberish.

And I don’t mean it was third-grade language (it wasn’t). I don’t mean the rather silly title of the certificate (it was entitled “The Moon Award”). I don’t even mean the mixture of capital and small letters in every word, and the incorrect punctuation – which is hardly a model for good writing in third grade…

No.

What concerned me was the way the wording of the certificate went from “moon” (which we don’t live on – unless someone transported our entire country / continent while I was sleeping, and I didn’t notice) to “the environment” (which – correct me if I’m wrong – happens on earth, not the moon).

OK, it gets better…er, weirder…

Here’s the exact wording: “The Moon Award presented to you [named redacted] …because the Moon can be blocked by clouds, and a cloud can rain on a Park Ranger. And a Park Ranger cares about the environment. So, yes, you get the Moon Award because of your concern for the environment, …of course. Teacher: [redacted] Date: [redacted]

(By the way, I gave up trying to reproduce the mixture of capital and small letters, because when I typed the entire wording of the certificate, the text had red and blue squiggles throughout it, and I couldn’t stand it!)

Okay, enough of my teacher / grammarian psyche…on to my main point:

What the heck does this mean??????????? Some initial thoughts come to mind:

1)    **  I wasn’t aware that mankind was trying to save the moon (yet). Oh, yes, I know we left some litter there, but those meteorites started littering the moon’s surface first…

 2)  ** As far as my scientific knowledge goes (I admit it has been a very long time since I was in third grade), the moon does not influence cloud cover. (I believe that’s the sun’s department.)

3)     ** Any Park Ranger worth his or her salt would know when to carry an umbrella when it’s threatening to rain.

So back to interpreting this deeply disturbing, illogical rant / award: I just don’t see any connection between the moon and our environment…Sorry.

Now, don’t get me wrong. When I was teaching high school and college, I tended to want to reflect on the end of the school year or semester by giving out gag awards at the end. I called them the A*Kid*I*Me Awards (“Are You Kidding Me?”), and I emphasized that the awards were meant to be humorous and light-hearted. Only one or two students in my entire teaching career did not appreciate the joke award that I gave them, and to them I apologized. But I went to great lengths to explain each award and to praise each student for what I felt could be praised (yes, sometimes it was a stretch, but remember that these awards were always given out before final exams, as a means to encourage each student to do his or her best).

I admit that I am no Tim Allen or Bob Hope. But I tried my best to give each award with a smile and a handshake. I never tried to confuse them with meaningless connections.

Back to the moon…er, the earth….well, at least the environment (OK, I lost my train of thought.)…

I must ask: Why this emphasis on “caring for the environment”? Do third-graders clear up after themselves at lunch, and put the trash in the trash containers – yes or no? Do they put their dirty socks in their families’ clothes hamper – yes or no? Do they pick up after the dog – yes or no? Why ask about the moon and clouds, when they are not normally able to touch / tidy up these entities? How many third-graders will ever be in a position to hand an umbrella to a rain-soaked Park Ranger?

I guess this is a plea for teachers to stick to the basics. Forget about the moon, and concentrate on the empty orange juice containers left on the lunch table. Forget about clouds obscuring the moon, and concentrate on teaching them how to transfer dirty socks from the hamper to the washing machine. Be nice to Park Rangers – by all means! – but don’t tell them that they’re about to get rained on (sometimes kids have to learn that they are not in a position to order adults around!)

Sometimes it makes more sense to be plain, honest and focused. Why don’t colleges train teachers to do all of these things?